Women Hoo Embarrass Women

2008 WHEW! Superlatives

2008 Whew! Superlatives

Funkiest Baby Name: Ashlee Simpson's Bronx Mowgli

Most Consistent Disregard of our Beloved English Language: Governor Sarah Palin

Least Able to Let Go of The View: Rosie

Most In Need of Full-Time, Live-In Therapist: Britney

Most Likely to be Found in a Dumpster: Drew Peterson's Bride To Be No. 5. 

Least Graceful Exit from Politics: Elizabeth Dole

Most Able to Act All Maverick-y: Tina Fey

Most in Need of Reminder that Punctuation is Free: Governor Sarah Palin

Most Searched on Whew!: Ruth Madoff

Worst Decision to Stand By Her Man: Mrs. Client No. 9 Spitzer

Best Pianist in Her Spare Time: Dr. Condoleezza Rice

Newscaster Most Able to Stump the Candidate With Simple Questions: Katie Couric

Most Willing to Sniff Out Goodies for Herself Using A Potty Mouth: Patti Blagojevich

Best Able to Cover Pregnant Belly During National Political Convention: Bristol Palin

Oldest Woman To Have Canoodled with Youngest Boy: Ivana Trump 

Most Inspiring Athlete: Dara Torres

Greatest Need to Stop Talking About Her Ex Already: Jennifer Aniston

Least Able to Recall News Sources: Governor Sarah Palin

Saddest Songstress: Amy Winehouse

Most Permanent Plastic Smile That Makes Your Own Face Hurt: Cindy McCain

Most Bruised Head From Crashing Against Ceiling: Hillary Clinton

CAROLINE KENNEDY LIKE YOU KNOW AH NEEDS SOME HELP

Whew! is nothing if not bipartisan with respect to disrespect for women who fumble around the English language.
Caroline Kennedy has been making the rounds trying to establish she is qualified to take Senator Hillary Clinton's seat in the Senate. In her effort to impress, she has revealed some like you know bad old um habits.
The New York Daily News counted some of Caroline's ums, you knows and like that.
In a 30-minute session with The News on Saturday, Kennedy punctuated her answers with "you know" more than 200 times.
Transcripts of other interviews showed the same problem. She said "you know" at least 130 times to The New York Times. And more than 80 times to New York 1.
Like, you know and ah does not threaten the reign of the Queen of Mauling our Native Tongue, Governor Palin. Caroline is more about bad habit than soft brain.
But there was a Palin moment. When The News asked if President Bush's tax cuts on the wealthy should be repealed immediately, Kennedy said this: "Well, you know, that's something, obviously, that, you know, in principle and in the campaign, you know, I think that, um, the tax cuts, you know, were expiring and needed to be repealed."
I had been on the fence as to whether I wanted Caroline to be Senator Kennedy. I am now a supporter. For a reason divorced from the merits and even from Caroline: I miss Sarah. I got hooked on the daily challenge of trying to figure out what a public official meant to say when the interview was over...
Run, Caroline, Run!

GRANDMA PALIN: ABSTINENCE ONLY & BABIES LIKE TRIPP

                                                                                               

When now Grandma Palin ran for Governor in 2006, she said she would support funding for abstinence-only education in schools, according to Eagle Forum Alaska, a group that sent a questionnaire asking gubernatorial candidates their views on a range of issues.
Governor Palin's view that the only thing to teach teens is to Just Say No reflects her party's 2008 platform position: "Abstinence from sexual activity is the only protection that is 100 percent effective against out-of-wedlock pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases."
Enter Tripp Palin. Baby son of teenage high school dropouts Bristol Palin and boyfriend Levi.  
New research shows that teens like teen mom Bristol who are taught to pledge abstinence ... rather than use birth control ... don't tend to abstain.
An article by researchers at the John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in the January issue of Pediatrics says teenagers who pledge not to have sex before marriage are not less likely than teens who don't make such a pledge to have sex. "Taking a pledge doesn't seem to make any difference at all in any sexual behavior," the researcher concluded.
The one big difference between the two groups is that those teens who swear not to have sex are less likely to use birth control to protect against pregnancy and desease when they go ahead and do it. Read the full article in the Washington Post here.
Well, here's betting Grandma Palin draws a bright line between what life teaches and her policy preferences; proclaims unbounded pride about her new grandson; and, throws a nice white Alaskan wedding now that the time for a shotgun weddin' has expired.

TRIPP, TRACK, TRIG. NEW PALIN BABY ARRIVES

Bristol Palin, teen daughter of the Governor, finally had her baby. A son named Tripp.
Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. For short, we'll call him Road. You know, as in Tripp.
As for the name, I was pulling for Puck Palin. Little brother would be Pluck, in keeping with the Palin tradition of boys' names sounding weirdly similar and always monosyllabic. Maybe Next time.
Guess the kiddos might be gettin' hitched after all. Family values alive and kickin' in Wasilla teens. Dad Levi already dropped out of high school, so he is available to go get a paycheck in anticipation of the new dependant.

PS. If it's true that this is a "private family matter" as the Governor's people proclaim, why is it that People is springing the scoop with family quotes instead of the Anchorage Daily News, huh?

MEXICAN BEAUTY QUEEN PALLING WITH DRUG TRAFFICKERS LOSES 1 CROWN

                                                   

The Mexican beauty queen held on suspicion of drug and weapons violations has lost her crown in the Hispanoamerican Queen pageant. (see December 24th post for details of her arrest)
Pallin' around with suspected drug traffickers while sittin' near ammo and cash wasn't in keeping with at least some Mexican standards of queenliness.
But, fear not. Laura Zuniga, 23, is not sitting in jail tiara-less. She still holds the Miss Sinaloa title from a Mexican state beauty contest this past July. And, she placed third in the Miss Mexico contest.
Stay tuned for more from this beauty n' the drug lord story: A columnist in the Mexican newspaper Milenio wrote that there may be reason to believe her boyfriend may have had some pull in the local pageants. See the AP story here.
The Observer is reporting that Mexican politicians are now calling for an investigation into ties between the nation's beauty pageants and leading drug cartels. It is believed that the drug lords may "adopt" performers, including beauty queens. Ladies are like an accessory that evidence the drug traffickers transactional success. Read that story here.
While I would share the world's shock and awe to learn some beauty pageant people aren't taken as seriously as beauty pageant people deserve to be taken, I confess that if I possessed a crown, and an alleged Mexican drug lord who traveled with two AR-15 assault rifles, 38 specials, 9mm handguns, nine magazines, 633 cartridges asked me to give my crown to someone in particular, I would go ahead and do what the man asked. Yes I would.
PS. Maybe Mexican politicians ought to worry just a little more about drugs and guns and just a little less about thier capacity to influence beauty pageants?

GISELE DRAWS SHORT STRAW

                                                           
Rumor has it that Patriot Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen got engaged on Christmas Eve, surrounded by four dozen white roses and bubbly. Lovely.
Maybe it's an overstatement to say Gisele got schnookered, but she drew the short straw here.
This boy is no catch. Forget that Brady is handsome and has that little chin thing going on. Looks don't really matter. And they fade. Let's also forget he is loaded. Gisele has her own dough.
This guy is a person who waved bye to his flame of three years during her pregnancy, because his immediate need to canoodle with Gisele was more important than seeing to it that the mother of his baby did not go solo through pregnancy. This is a guy who didn't think much about the fact that if mom allowed dad into the delivery room, she would have to look up at a guy who had been off making whoopie with a flat bellied girl while she was home trying to find a comfortable sleeping position.
Should they proceed down the aisle, Gisele should keep her own dough, and by all means, don't go making a baby with the dude.

BLAGOJEVICH, BLAGOJEVICH THEY ALL FALL DOWN!

 

A family caught on tape together, hires counsel together.
The Chicago Sun Times reports that Patti Blagojevich has retained criminal-defense representation as prosecutors appear interested in conversations involving her allegedly captured on tape.
Ditto for the Illinois Governor's brother, Robert Blagojevich. He was chairman of the "Friends of Blagojevich" campaign fund and allegedly overheard in more than 30 different conversations.

WOMAN FAKES MISSING BABY TO GET HER TRUE LOVE BACK

                                                                   

A Miami woman named Meagan McCormic went on TV Christmas Day to beg for the return of her missing 5-month-old son. His name was Riley Buchness. He had a mohawk, a single tooth and a temporary tattoo. Riley had been with his nanny, Camille, who had a French accent and a gap between her teeth.

Riley's dad, who is Meagan McCormic's ex-boyfriend, stood with the distressed mom at the press conference. It was particularly hard for him, because he had never met little Riley. He had just been told he was a dad when boom, Riley was gone.

You see, Riley was a work of fiction. Meagan fabricated him. To lure her ex-boyfriend back into her life. When the ex showed up asking to see his son, Meagan didn't have a single-toothed, mohawk-headed baby with a temporary tattoo to produce for him. So that instant, he was gone. Vanished in the hands of that reckless nanny, Camille.

Meagan McCormic, 22, was charged with filing a false police report. If convicted, she could have to pay authorities for the cost of the Riley search. Read the full story at CNN here.

Update: Going out on a limb here to be the first to report that the Miami single scene just increased by one newly available 22 year old brunette looking for her forever love ...

SMART WOMEN TIPS FOR A HAPPY HOLIDAY

Smart Women Tips for a Holly Holiday
Find another person to hang with who likes to cook.
Let them.
Eat. Drink. That should get you a little merry.
If you are still not merry, have another drink.
Invite friendly people over who not in your immediate family. Place them in the middle of things, figuratively and literally. They make immediate family behave just a little better toward one another and in really bad cases, stifle the inexplicable tears for another day. Buy that person a fabulous present to entice them to agree to come again next year.
If family with lots of underground tension gathered in one room with no stores open to run to gets you after a while, think about the three people you have worked with that you dislike the most. Focus harder on them. Now be grateful to have a day away from them.
You know those women who love to bake? If you are like me and would rather be assigned to clean the floors, compliment those women ferociously. Chances increase that they will send you more next year. Dessert: done.
Cut a deal with your spouse, partner or significant other to bypass the mandatory gift giving on the big day. Instead, agree to buy each other a wonderful surprise someday during the year on some random day when you actually find something wonderful you want to give. This materially reduces holiday performance anxiety and gets you two surprise days during the year.
Find a reason not to decorate all out every few years. Claim a bad back, whatever. Two benefits. A break one year and happiness the next year when you pull out the decorations you haven't seen in a while.
EAT. Noone ever gained weight in a day. Ask for seconds. 

 

BABY PALIN'S GRANDMA'S DEALING STYLE CRAMPED BY THE GOVERNOR

                                                                               

The Anchorage Daily News has some new news about the other Wasilla Alaska Grandma-to-be of Bristol Palin's baby. The one busted last week for selling OxyContin. Fiction is never as fun as reality: The Wasilla dealer's drug of choice, OxyContin, is also referred to as Hillbilly Herion. Of course it is.
Well, turns out the other Grandmother to be, Governor Palin, inadvertantly cramped Sherry Johnston's drug- dealing style. In the normal course of business, Johnston used text messages to direct customers to Target's parking lots. They paid, she delivered. Troopers reports that in one of her messages, she explained a new problem created by Hockey Mom: "Hey, my phones are tapped and reporters and god knows who else is always following me and the family so no privacy."  Bummer.

PS Johnston isn't the brightest thing going. In her text messages, she used the code words ''coffee'' and ''cup'' for OxyContin and then directed buyers to Target. Hello. Coffee at Target? I guess we're hoping baby Palin gets his IQ from the first dude...